Dear Mr. Rat,
I hope you ate well last night, so well that you are well nourished and strong enough to find a new home. This may come asa shock to you, but I am not enjoying your company in my kitchen. I’ll admit, I may have given you the wrong message by leaving a whole pineapple uncovered so you could nibble a hole in the side of it. And it wasn’t very smart of me to leave the fridge door propped open with a half eaten chocolate bar and a bag of uncooked rice inside. My bad. I can understand how you would have seen those as welcoming gifts. Still, if you thought I was politely offering these things with you, there was no reason to jump out of the fridge or the shower at me. I can deal with flying cockroaches; however, your kind scare me by simply scurrying near my feet let alone when airborne.
Please consider this your two week notice. Even if you did stop chewing away at my candles, stealing my dish washing sponges and leaving behind dropping, I would still not welcome you with open arms. Especially if you’re bringing along company in the form of Plague carrying fleas. In this case, more is not merrier.
Thank you ever so kindly,
P.S.- Could you please tell your cousin, Miss Mouse in My House, that I would appreciate if she stopped leaving droppings on my clean clothes and startling me by leaping out of my packages from the U.S. She is welcome to stay as long as the only evidence of her presence is the occasional glimpse I catch of her dashing across my floor in the late evening. Remind her that this is a fair request since I saved her from drowning in my water pail. Also, I did not go after her with my broom and insect spray like I did to the giant spider who was hanging out on the window way too close to my bed. I appreciate your cooperation.